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Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2002 - 10:45 p.m.
A Relationship Dies

Well, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

S and I are no longer together. This evening she did what I didn't have the sense to do. She broke it off, mainly because she finally was able to determine that she wants someone serious in her life, and that it isn't fair to either of us if we are together just until someone else came along. Here I was thinking about how I will deal with it painlessly if or when it happens. I never really thought about ending it this way. As much as this sucks, it makes perfect sense, really.

In fact, I saw this coming a week and a half ago or so, just from the way she's been acting. She was distant, but in a way that was different from the way she does it periodically. She seemed more determined than ever. Especially after last Thursday.

I was in the mall with a colleague when we spotted this dress. Immediately we thought that S would look great in it, and it was on sale. So I picked it up and surprised her with it that night. It was only then that I realized that it was almost the same dress that she had worn in a picture I had seen her in taken in 1979. Tonight she reminded me of that when she said that if there weren't such an age difference then I would have been the man of choice. It's sad that that should be the only real problem in our relationship, the reason why I chose not to make a major emotional investment in her. Because if she were born in 1971 instead of 1951, she would have been my choice, too. Damn it.

Being the dumpee in this way has its benefits. As a dumper, I have never fared very well emotionally afterwards for some reason. Jealousy rears its ugly head, and I am not a very good ex in that regard. It's times like that that I hate myself the most, or at all. I don't expect it to be the case here, though. Any further communication, any further relationship we have is almost completely on my terms now. I don't have to see her (unlike another of my exes, luckily it turned out to be a good thing) and if I ever sense that she wants to backslide, I can control that, too. That can't happen, though. I can't let it happen.

Despite everything, I feel pretty good. However, I suspect it will be quite a long time before I can allow her to come back into my life in any significant way (i.e. friends). Damnit, I just remembered. I have her scanner, and she'll be needing that back soon. Damn. I don't really want to see her soon. Maybe I'll have it sent to her. *s*

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