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Inspired by Ms. M's entry today, I have decided to tell my own story of candy-grams. Back at McGill I was part of the Science Undergraduate Society (SUS), and that was one of the best years of my life. I was CEO. I am still good friends with the VP Internal (who you might know as Suj) and the president (who I am seeing on my birthday). The VP Academic was called Jeff K. The K was something in Chinese. But we called him Jiffy K, and sometimes BAMF, for bad-ass muthafucka. Jeff was about 5'5" with mild acne, glasses and far more clueless about women than me at the time, which is saying something. He listened to Wu-Tang Clan and related artists. He was in love with a most Catholic girl who, in my opinion, looked like Alanis Morrissette. She was most Catholic, because publicly she held her religion aloft very highly and proudly; she was a shining example of chastity and virtue. Privately she fucked the brains out of both of Jeff's Chinese roommates (she had, in his words, "yellow fever"), leaving him untouched because he was "such a good person" and "a really nice guy". But that isn't the point of this entry. One year Jeff noticed this other girl in one of his classes. He thought she was beautiful, charming, smart, funny, everything. As far as I knew, he hadn't ever really spoken to her. Every year, one of more of the student societies would have candy-grams that you could buy for Valentine's Day. For those that don't know, a candy-gram is (in our case), a small smount of chocolates with a personalized note from you to the recipient, delivered during class to the recipient on Valentine's Day. Jeff went around to people asking what he should do. Should he send her a candy-gram anonymously? Should he introduce himself using the gram? Should he forget about it? Someone, I can't remember who (it wasn't me) got it into his head that he should take it one giant step further: Buy her a rose, give it to her and tell her that she is wonderful. Once that idea spread, everyone was all for Jeff making the big romantic gesture. I wasn't sure what to think about this, I just gave a noncommittal, "Sure...I guess..." Only Suj begged Jeff not to make a fool of himself. Suj, the voice of reason, the chewy moral centre of the SUS, tried to stop Jeff from making a fool of himself. But poor Jeff was too into the idea of being this girl's strong yellow Knight, sweeping her off her feet with the big romantic gesture from out of the blue. In the Disney "Casey at the Bat", Casey's last at-bat ended by seeing the crowd melt away in complete and total despair. It's still one of my favourites, even though it still kills me to see mighty Casey strike out). I wasn't there, but I imagine the same sort of thing happening when Jiffy K declared his feelings for this stranger, except that there is also the sound of a record being scratched. A strangling silence overcomes the McConnell engineering lobby, and finally the washed-out fade-effect into the next scene after he struck out. That scene is poor Jiffy K standing outside. It's snowing. Jeff is just standing there looking at the ground directly in front of him shaking his head thinking, "How could I have been so stupid?" Meanwhile, back in the office, someone who was there bursts in with the news. You can't hear any of this; it's silent. Then you see everyone laughing. It was really something like that. Jeff, and the rest of us got over it in a couple of weeks. He was used to this sort of abuse. Besides, he was a well-know virgin who, in spite of himself, made it very well known that he was out looking for his first piece, not to mention a kick-ass girlfriend to hang out with. A couple of years later, I heard that he actually started dating the Catholic girl, and he lost his virginity. And she was damn good, too. 0 scrawls at the end of this hallThe look: The feel: The taste: ________________________ |
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