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Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002 - 2:47 p.m.
The Annual Transformation

In ten days I will be 28 years old. Right now I am 27. That's 3³, so that makes 27 a cool number. But 28 is one of the coolest ages a human can achieve, because it can only happen at two ages, 6 and 28. 28 is a perfect number. But that's not the point of this entry.

Around my birthday, typically about 2 weeks before and lasting into early December, I become more confident, more at ease...better. My good qualities seem enhanced. I feel better about everything. (That feeling tanks in December, because I don't like what happens to people around the holidays, but that's another entry.) It is something I have noticed for the past several years, because I make a big deal of my birthday. No one else ever has since I was six, so I decided to celebrate and draw others into the mix.

Two years ago, this change in attitude seemed to be at its maximum. I broke up with my gf in April. It should have been not a big deal, but I had to (and continue to) see her everyday; she serves me food downstairs. For a few reasons that I won't discuss in this entry, the six months following was a bit of a rough time for me. People were beginning to think that I was bipolar. That October, she and I decided to talk about everything and work things out between us. Those six months weren't any easier for her, for different reasons. We went to see Bridget Jones' Diary together, and it was nice. We were friends again. We should have been friends all along.

About a week later, this annual feeling surged. I felt it more than I have ever felt it, before or since. On Saturday, October 28, 2000, I was at Nerve browsing personals. I had always wanted to "get to know" an older woman. This one, who I have referred to in the past as S, was an attractive 49-year-old that had the right attributes. Her minimum age for a man was almost ten years older than me, but I knew, I KNEW that I would be at least be seriously considered, because...I just did. I responded to her, and later that day I got a response.

That night, there was a Hallowe'en house party, one of the best house parties I have ever been to. There was a live DJ, friendly people and free-flowing beer, although I didn't have much of it. Charlie's Angels was a recent movie at the time, and three of the people there dressed up as Charlie's Angels. I met one of them, Gen. She was tall, blonde, perfectly bilingual with short hair, nice manners and a great body. We hit it off very well, but I handled her very different from the way I handle other strange women that I get with. I think I must have played hard to get or something. But I wasn't playing at anything, I just...acted a little more detached than usual. I felt very much in control.

Towards the end of the night, she asked me not to leave before seeing her. I decided to leave around 1:15 am, with the party still in full swing. She said that she just wanted to wish me a good night. And I didn't ask her for her number. Why? Because I wanted her to call me first. And I knew she would. I knew just how to make it happen.

I learned that her 25th birthday was that Monday, October 30. I got her email address from her friend that day (I got lots of addresses, just not hers) and wished Gen a happy birthday. The next day I got an email from her thanking me for the kind wishes. I never heard back from her again, until that Saturday. Meanwhile, I had been corresponding with S through email and phone. I liked the way this was heading.

That whole week I felt so in control of my own destiny, not to mention the immediate destiny of a few others, that I could have taken over the company and stolen a few wives. I could do no wrong. I'm not kidding, this was really powerful stuff happening to me.

The following Saturday, November 4, I got a call. Without even looking at the number I knew it was Gen. I was so sure, that I answered the phone, "Hi Gen! How are you?" She was a little startled at first, but within 5 seconds we settled into a nice, light conversation. Keep in mind that I never gave her my number, which means that she had to look it up on the Internet (she prefers that to using a phone book since she is often online). She was calling to see if I wanted to join her and her friends for some fun that night. No problem. Unfortunately, her friends were lame that night, so I decided that she and two of my roommates were going to go to Comedyworks. It was very much a success. Even better the following week when we decided to have sex because she was going away for six weeks. During that week we spoke almost everyday. She made it very clear that we weren't exclusive in any way at all. Yet.

When she went away, S and I got to know each other a little bit, but then her mother died, and she had to travel. When she came back, we decided to meet one Friday night. Again, I was "on". I wrote about that night for Nerve magazine. I have the abridged print copy of that night; I'll try to see if S still has the original digital version.

I won't go into alot of details on what happened with these women, but the point is, the only reason why anything happened with these women is because I was "on", and I was "on" because of the state of mind I entered. But this year, it isn't really happening. My birthday is ten days away and I am not feeling the drive, the extra confidence, or anything. I'm a excited about Toronto, a little excited about NYC, but, I dunno, I'm not sure what is going on this year. I don't want to miss "it" whatever "it" is.

The company Christmas party is a big deal. We go to a fancy hotel, do fancy things and sleep over. It's a great time. I prefer to take someone with me than go alone. The pressure is on to find someone to come with me this year. Maybe the pressure was on two years ago and I rose to the challenge. But still, that hasn't changed my relative lack of motivation; it feels like any other time of year.

Who knows, maybe it will kick in tomorrow?

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