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Friday, Apr. 12, 2002 - 12:07 a.m.
Jealousy

I sent S some pictures of the two of us from the Christmas party. She wrote back:

I think you look fine. As always the light meter does not do you justice. BTW my weekend went very well, a movie, out for dinner and I wanted to wait until the 3rd date but.... didn't. We now call each other and I am able to talk to this man and laugh... that important rapport that you and I are always able to create.

I believe that�s past tense now, S. That should be �were� always able to create. For now the jealousy that always comes after a relationship ends has arrived. I feel bad because she is entering what sounds like a very nice time in her life without me. (I think she really likes the new guy. Man. New man. Newman�?) It doesn�t matter that I don�t want that sort of thing with her, or rather that I can easily accept that it isn�t meant to be. I feel bad for feeling this way.

This isn�t a hot jealousy. I am not angry with her. And I wouldn�t care about what she�s doing if I were getting what I want, too. But I�m not. I am not down in the dumps, yet. But I will be soon, especially if I keep thinking about it. I often resist these things for a few days, then weeks until they consume me from the inside out. When that happens, I imagine that I must look as though a raincloud is hovering above my head everywhere I go. I look darker, and not just in skin tone. And I feel infectious, as though I could infect others with the same affliction. In the advanced stages I hate myself at intervals. I hate feeling that way.

This shouldn�t get too advanced, though. At least I don�t have to see her. Ever. That�s always good. Not like last time.

You know, she once said that it was hard to see me. I think I was to take it that it meant that it was hard being so close to what you wanted but had to push away, or something like that. I wonder if it would be so hard now. :-/

She says that he is a �nice man�. I have always taken this as a high compliment from her. Similar to �You�re SO good� from me or, �Good boy!� from my dad. Actually, I don�t think anything beats the last one. I wish I could be a little kid again to earn that most high compliment. It made me feel so good, watching him beam with pride because I made my bed (I almost never did) or shoveled the driveway without being asked (same thing). Nice man. Well, that�s good. It actually makes me feel good about her finding someone that she actually likes and is attracted to.

But I�m still jealous.

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The look:
The feel:
The taste:
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