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Friday, Apr. 12, 2002 - 12:07 a.m.
Jealousy

I sent S some pictures of the two of us from the Christmas party. She wrote back:

I think you look fine. As always the light meter does not do you justice. BTW my weekend went very well, a movie, out for dinner and I wanted to wait until the 3rd date but.... didn't. We now call each other and I am able to talk to this man and laugh... that important rapport that you and I are always able to create.

I believe that’s past tense now, S. That should be “were” always able to create. For now the jealousy that always comes after a relationship ends has arrived. I feel bad because she is entering what sounds like a very nice time in her life without me. (I think she really likes the new guy. Man. New man. Newman…?) It doesn’t matter that I don’t want that sort of thing with her, or rather that I can easily accept that it isn’t meant to be. I feel bad for feeling this way.

This isn’t a hot jealousy. I am not angry with her. And I wouldn’t care about what she’s doing if I were getting what I want, too. But I’m not. I am not down in the dumps, yet. But I will be soon, especially if I keep thinking about it. I often resist these things for a few days, then weeks until they consume me from the inside out. When that happens, I imagine that I must look as though a raincloud is hovering above my head everywhere I go. I look darker, and not just in skin tone. And I feel infectious, as though I could infect others with the same affliction. In the advanced stages I hate myself at intervals. I hate feeling that way.

This shouldn’t get too advanced, though. At least I don’t have to see her. Ever. That’s always good. Not like last time.

You know, she once said that it was hard to see me. I think I was to take it that it meant that it was hard being so close to what you wanted but had to push away, or something like that. I wonder if it would be so hard now. :-/

She says that he is a “nice man”. I have always taken this as a high compliment from her. Similar to “You’re SO good” from me or, “Good boy!” from my dad. Actually, I don’t think anything beats the last one. I wish I could be a little kid again to earn that most high compliment. It made me feel so good, watching him beam with pride because I made my bed (I almost never did) or shoveled the driveway without being asked (same thing). Nice man. Well, that’s good. It actually makes me feel good about her finding someone that she actually likes and is attracted to.

But I’m still jealous.

0 scrawls at the end of this hall

The look:
The feel:
The taste:
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