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Wednesday, Nov. 06, 2002 - 8:44 a.m.
It had something to do with layouts

November 4, 6:33 pm

I was looking at some of the ones I liked. I looked at yours, and the other diary. I changed some things, a couple of things, but I couldn�t really come up with anything really interesting.

I should really stop reading the other diary. I don�t think there is any particular reason why I should become depressed reading it. It�s not THAT bad. But I find myself having the exact same feeling in my head as I had yesterday. Another thing that is different about that feeling is that I don�t think it would change if I had a career that I loved, a woman I loved or lots of money. It is something I have to go through right now it seems. Why is this happening now? It�feels�this feeling tastes like dissatisfaction. I am not creative enough. Silly, obviously. But that�s only where it starts, or that�s only the tip of the iceberg. Since this is the thing that started it, it�s what I can easily focus on.

That other diary, though. It seems to kick the shit out of me. I don�t mind necessarily feeling things be they good or bad, but I don�t want to feel bad just because I read this diary. This is the second time this has happened. Maybe I don�t need to read it. I get to talk to you on a regular basis. Maybe I don�t need to read it, so I shouldn�t read it. I will, though.

I know that this feeling would likely pass if I buried myself in something else, but I want to re-design something. I want something else. Agh, there�s that feeling again! I can actually feel the release of the drugs of Bad Feelings in my brain.

This is not a big deal, I know. If I just, do something, play some cards, play WC, PS2, I can forget all this shit for a while.

I�m feeling a little better already. Okay, time to do something.

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November 5, 9:33 am

Sorry about last night. Not sure what happened there. I spent the rest of the night burying myself in activity. Which is good, at least I was able to do that, rather than mope.

I didn't even let you talk much, either. I remember you saying that you didn't like the fact that the other diary made me sad. The first time I read it, there was something that disturbed me. I MIGHT tell you exactly how it disturbed me, if not exactly what it was (I can't remember), but that could be a long time coming. Last night, somehow something was triggered by reading it, and then I went into this funk. Something was triggered...I'm having trouble recalling things about that feeling.

It just occurred to me: my Grade 11 English teacher once said that the only reason that people get better when they are sick or feeling bad is because the mind automatically "forgets" bad things after they are over. That makes sense, because if I didn't "forget" that part of last night, or Sunday afternoon, or my rage and frustration yesterday, then I could be a mess now. Perhaps a lot of stress-related mental illness is due to the fact that some people can't "forget", and are doomed to relive bad experiences again and again.

I said something about being alone, and that this was happening because I was alone. But I like being alone, at least living alone. I don't want to live with anyone ever again unless it's a girlfriend. Or you, I guess. Remember our plan B? That was a joke.

Did anyone in particular influence you to start that diary?

0 scrawls at the end of this hall

The look:
The feel:
The taste:
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