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Thursday, Mar. 06, 2003 - 1:44 p.m.
Changing for the worse

Dear Alexandra:

Have you ever done something wrong, so wrong and out of character that when you are in the act of doing it, you feel as though it's someone else doing it? Like you really aren't in control of the situation, like it's a dream? As though you are watching something happening on television? Have you ever blocked out events immediately after they happen, only recalling them when someone confronts you with them? Have you ever treated someone as though you really do own them? Have you ever acted so purely out of spiteful instinct that there was no chance for your better sense to take over? Have you ever been to the brink of terrible action, teetered, and made the decision...to do wrong? Has your evil side ever completely gotten the better of you, if only for a second, long enough to act? Have you ever questioned your character so much that you aren't even sure who you are anymore?

I'm sure you have.

It feels like things are falling apart for me now. My character. Deep down, and not so deep down, almost everyone likes to think that they are good. Now I have to question that. Some things are unforgiveable, others unforgettable. Some things are both. But I just seem to do the wrong thing. Before these were arguably wrong decisions that could have gone the other way, in terms of results. Now things are obviously wrong, and I do them anyway. I don't understand what is happening to me.

Today I feel so cold, distant and self-loathing. Sickening. I sicken myself. I am disgusting and terrible. I'm definitely not there yet, but I am beginning to hate myself, and I don't use that word lightly. What do people do when they hate themselves? Some sabotage the good things in their lives because they really don't believe they deserve them. Bad people don't get good things, in a just world. Others become nihilists. They hurt others more, they destroy both property and relationships, destroying themselves from within. I don't know what I do, other than become very dark in demeanour, like the dark mage. That picture was a fluke. It was taken by a drunk roommate in funny lighting. But it could become so perfectly apt...

I am not sure that I am the best person to seek any kind of help from right now. I'll probably be fine in a couple of days, but the problems will still remain.

0 scrawls at the end of this hall

The look: pensive
The feel: disturbed
The taste: rotten
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