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Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003 - 2:58 p.m.
Insensitive

I try not to use the word 'hate' and 'ugly' too lightly lest they lose their significance. For some reason I am a little (not that much, but a little) less hesitant to use the words 'love' and 'beautiful'. I'm pretty selective when I use any of the four words in reference to people. There are two times when I hate myself.

1. when I get jealous after I break up with someone;
2. when I lose something belonging to someone else.

A third item on that list is optional; I always feel bad, but I don't necessarily hate myself. It's when I hurt someone's feelings due to a thoughtless offhanded comment when I should have fucking known better. (Of course I have to give a damn about that person, which isn't necesarily hard for me to do.) I did it again. I really should think a little more before I speak. Sometimes I can feel it happening, too, but I take a chance, thinking that it won't actually matter. Or rather, I underestimate the probability that someone's feelings may get hurt. "Ah, nothing will happen if I just blurt out this thought that isn't well-formed or expressed." Kinda like taking the chance that you won't get an STD when you do unsafe things in the sack, but on a social level. Wait, that's a social thing, too. Well, anyway.

I wish I would stop doing that, but I fear that I can't find that middle ground where you can say what you mean well, effectively without hurting anyone's feelings. Sometimes it's impossible, especially when you don't care about their feelings all that much, but sometimes it isn't.

One problem is that I sometimes underestimate the effect of my words because I underestimate my own importance. That is, I figure that it doesn't matter that much what I do because I am unimportant to them anyway. In my head, me thinking that I should watch what I say implies that I must mean something to them, or that my opinion matters at all. But why should my words matter to them? I'm nobody, in a sense. Which is completely fine in most cases, actually. In my mind, people matter more to me than I do to them usually. You'd think I would be more careful then, but my logic is backwards it seems.

I'm not an asshole. I know that I do a great many non-asshole things for non-asshole reasons. I guess these things happen because I, like everyone else, am not perfect.

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