Read this disclaimer first!!
Wednesday, Jul. 09, 2003 - 10:01 p.m.
A final farewell?

Catherine came by tonight. She delivered my DVD (Analyyse This) that I had forgotten while I gave her back her "The Matrix Revisited" DVD that I forgot to give back on Monday. She was biking with her boyfriend, JP (yeah, I know) who was waiting downstairs. She was wearing a helmet with an antenna. It was connected to a transmitter, so that they could talk while biking. Cute, eh? No. She also gave me something, a box that I wasn't to open until she was gone. When she left, I caught a glimpse of her and JP as they left. She looked up at me, then took off.

I haven't mentioned it before, but I like teapots. I don't really know why, but I do. And she has some interesting ones. I mentioned this in a conversation I had with her many weeks ago. The package contained a cute teapot (I'd show you a picture, but that would kill me) and a note that said:

In case I don't see you again. Cat. xxx

That pretty much did me in. I wrote her an email just now.

Subject: You're good Catherine.

Very good. You successfully brought about the tear that has been eluding me. It wasn�t the gift, but the note. In return I will share with you all of my thoughts on what went down Saturday night, and since April, and maybe even before that. It�s the least you deserve. I�ll get back to the note.

Remember when I said that I didn�t have a chance? I wasn�t able to put it into words then, but I think that the reason why I felt I never had a chance to begin with was because JP was what you wanted all along. You did say back in April that you still loved him. You did say that you would maybe see what was going to happen in a year AT LEAST. You needed time to change and (re-)discover yourself, which he could not directly be a part of. My function in your life had a dual purpose. The first was to provide some kind of companionship while you and JP healed yourselves. The second was to provide JP a little extra incentive to get himself together. Some (apparent) direct competition. You are still in love with JP. And you wanted it to work deep down, even if you were able to convince yourself otherwise for a time.

What happened was that you convinced me, even though I should have known better. I should have seen it coming. But I saw you as the first woman I could see myself with for a long time. I know I hadn�t discussed the future with you, because I wasn�t sure that it was the right time, but I wondered about where we would live in a couple of years, and what we could do for your 50th and my 40th birthdays. It�s safe to dream isn�t it? Well, maybe not. But still, I had to consider it given what you brought to my life: beauty, understanding, knowledge and that superior ability for practical kindness.

Maybe I could have done things differently, and things could have turned out in my favour. But something is nagging me about this. Looking back, it seemed like a done deal. It had to do with how quickly JP could convince you that things were different, and therefore the future would be different. I would have had to accelerate the rate at which we became close, which is�unnatural at best. It�s best that this happen now, rather than eight months from now. I know. And this gives me a better opportunity to examine my damsel-in-distress thing. (Well, I know pretty much all there is to know about that, I think, but anyway.)

I was set to elegantly keep you out of my life, with no regrets and no lingering pain. But now I have the teapot and the letter (did you make the letter yourself?). As much as I like the teapot, the tea inside would taste too bittersweet. It�s a constant reminder of what I lost, or rather, what I don�t think I ever had. Right now, I can�t imagine ever using it, or even looking at it as a decoration. I can�t do it. It�s nothing but lingering pain, and I can�t allow that to happen. I�ll have to keep it locked away somewhere. I have an ex-girlfriend box (I thought of you as a girlfriend, you know. We probably have different ideas of what that means, though.), but the teapot is too big for that, so it gets its own space somewhere, out of sight.

And the note. Such a sad note. Well, it seems as though I won�t see you again. I made myself look at JP, you and JP, and I know that I can�t be your friend. �Friends� isn�t good enough. Friends might be able to accept hearing tales of their significant others, or seeing them together. Me? I am not a very good ex, usually. Especially not when my feelings are (were) as high as they were. Feelings? And this is after I tempered my feelings with perspective! The perspective that you are not looking to find the love of your life immediately, and that you might still have some old feelings to sort out. But I still started getting too comfortable with you. I see now that I should not have, but that�s life. I can accept that.

I don�t mean to belittle your feelings, though. I believe that you did have some real feelings for me, and that it was very difficult to make the decision you made. I�m sure I made it sound like you were out to deceive and screw over. I don�t believe that at all. I�m sorry if it came out that way. This is just an unedited letter from an emotional man.

So I guess this is it. You looked great tonight Sainte-Catherine. Even in your Martian headgear. Maybe we will see each other again. Who knows? But I can�t promise anything. It�s too hard and it will be too hard for a long time, I think. Good luck this time around. Look at it this way: you have one less problem to deal with. Next up, your roommate, maybe? ;)

P.S.: This is so hard to send. I�ve never really done this before. I don�t know what the effect will be. I hope I don�t hurt anyone too badly, myself included. I will miss you so much, Catherine.

2 scrawls at the end of this hall

The look: awful. sick and awful
The feel: depressed doesn't quite do it justice
The taste: salty. tears are salty.
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