Read this disclaimer first!!
Monday, Mar. 24, 2003 - 10:51 p.m.
Scope this out

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I have had some health problems since January.

I have a really sensitive stomach. I often know if something will upset my stomach when the food is within 3 inches of my nose or mouth, but occasionally I will eat it anyway even if the alarm went off. One thing that never upset my stomach was meat. Until January.

What would happen was that I would become very bloated. Then the food would seem to get stuck where the esophagus meets the stomach. It would get so bad that I would have to sometimes expel the food in order to start feeling better. That would mean leaving work, because my rule is that whenever I puke, it's time to go home.

It was too bad, because I like meat, but not eating it has been ridiculously easy. I just ate other things instead. No big deal. I haven't had any cravings at all. I could seriously be a vegetarian if I wanted to; it wouldn't be that hard.

However, Suj suggested that I may have an ulcer. I tried to get an appointment with a doctor, but my health card expired. That took a little while to fix. Plus, I'm a procrastinator for the doctor, especially when I am feeling fine (not eating meat). Eventually I made it to see someone who told me that I needed to get "scoped".

There are two kinds of scopes: G-scopes and P-scopes. A G-scope, or gastroscopy, involves inserting a tube camera down your throat to see your stomach on video. A P-scope, or proctoscopy...well, I think you can get the idea. I was to have a G-scope.

I got to the hospital and waited for about 5 minutes when a nurse came in to get me. She sprayed something into my throat for me to swallow. It was a local sedative to aid the passage of the scope. Then the doctor came in, explained what was happening and got started.

I can't believe I was actually excited to do this. I thought I wouldn't feel anything because of the sedative. I wasn't even able to see the action on screen because I had to be turned the other way. It's just as well.

First, you lie down on your side, then they give you a hard plastic round hollow thing to bite down on. And in goes the scope! The first hurdle is to get past the back of the throat. When they push on it, you have to swallow. It's less than comfortable, but down it goes.

Then they shove it down, down, down, and all the while it's scraping the inside of the esophagus. The doctor is telling me to think of eating my favourite food. "What the fuck?" I thought. "You're Roto-Rootering my insides and I'm supposed to think of eating?"

Of course then I start to gag. Can you imagine what it's like gagging with something eighteen inches down your throat? (Fill in your own dirty joke there.) It felt rigid in there, and in gagging I thought I could have snapped the thing. Naturally I hadn't eaten since 11 the previous night, so there was nothing to bring up, but still. And they shot air down there! So I had to belch loudly, with the scope in place. Ugh.

Finally the procedure was over. I got up, very woozy from the drug and the experience. The nurse gave me some papers, including the picture of my ulcer. That's right. I have a small ulcer. You could see it, right there, where the esophagus meets the stomach. Everything was nice and pink and healthy, except for that point. It looked like an inflamed cold sore, all red and angry. I felt a little surge of pride there. "That's MY ulcer!"

I went to one of the other offices and waited. The doctor came in finally to tell me what was obvious from the photo, that I had an ulcer. Entirely treatable. I got a prescription for Pantoloc, an ulcer drug. I was to be on this for two months, then go back to see my referring doctor.

Still woozy, but otherwise functional, I went to the pharmacy across the street to get my meds. The pharmacist, a beautiful Moroccan woman, only gave me a month's worth, with no repeats, so I'll have to go back to get another prescription. I told her that I needed two month's worth, and she didn't seem to understand why. She asked if I had an HP test.

HP is a kind of bacteria that often causes ulcers. It was discovered a few years ago. Normal antibiotics kill it very effectively. If you are HP positive, then two weeks of amoxicillin, another antibiotic and Pantoloc will heal the ulcer and prevent it from coming back. The test for HP is simple: you blow into a thing and get your results in an hour. Here's what's odd:

1. The referring doctor didn't mention HP;
2. The specialist didn't mention HP;
3. Two months of Pantoloc costs $150 plus time wasted, and it won't destroy the bacteria if I have it;
4. Two weeks of Pantoloc plus the two antibiotics costs $75 and I am set for life until I am reinfected.

There's something weird about this. I told this to the pharmacist who explained that she wasn't that surprised. If people didn't have ulcers they wouldn't have much work. What I want to do is get Suj to get me an HP test so I can determine what to do.

The back of my throat still hurts nine hours later. I'm beginning to think that the P-scope might have been more comfortable.

**UPDATE** 2:03 PM: As I've been telling this story in real life, I've been confusing the words "tumour" with "ulcer". My story has been met with shock and sadness. I have to hastily correct myself. "Oh, did I say TUMOUR? I meant ULCER. Sorry."

2 scrawls at the end of this hall

The look: not woozy, but sore back-of-throaty
The feel: tired
The taste: fruity (I had juice)
________________________