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I never stood a chance. I first met Sainte Catherine in April, after a few email/MSN conversations. Last December her boyfriend, who was basically a husband, walked out after seven years, much of the last two being spent in strife. Following the breakup she went on disability for two months, then went on three-day weeks, then four-day weeks. It was a depression that became out of control following the breakup. She invited me over for dinner. It was a nice night, and I liked her immediately. We grew closer and closer in the next few weeks. I may have explained exactly what I saw in her in another entry, if not, too bad. I'm too tired to either link the entry or list the reasons why I fell for her. Then, she abruptly stopped seeing me in May. She said that she was becoming overwhelmed by life: everyday living, work, her ex (called JP, how ironic), her new roommate, everything. She just needed some time to breathe on her own, which I provided. But after that time, we were really good together. REALLY good. For the first time I thought that I might be in a very long-term relationship. She was completely over her ex (who, I forgot to mention, wanted her back badly and had for months, but she refused due to the apparent likelihood that things would be the same between them), she had gotten the space she needed from her roommate. JP refused to see her anymore after finding a condom wrapper in what used to be their bedroom. Everything was working out. Until last week, that is. Cat pulled a disappearing act again, saying that she needed more sleep and that work was getting intense. And I believed her, because I trusted her greatly. It didn't even bother me that she was supposed to go up north with JP a couple of weeks ago (cancelled due to logistical reasons) for instance. What I didn't realize was that she had been spending more time with him than I thought, and that he was making a fucking convincing argument as to why they should be together again, exclusively. Saab, who is dating Nenette the roommate, said that Cat seemed quite depressed, and I hadn't seen her since Wednesday. So when I was with her today, she mentioned that she was in a really tough spot. She had to choose. Late in May, she had said that she had stopped seeing other people. Today I told her that I told Julia (not Julie, she already knew, and that's a whiole other story) that I had chosen Cat and wanted to be exclusive with her. I did this last week. Funny how things turn out. We spent all day together. There were tears off and on throughout the day, but finally about an hour ago, she made her decision. Her relationship with JP didn't end properly, it just ended without any real resolution. Apparently he has changed, as has she. And no matter how good we are together, I am not her best friend. He is. I can't compete with seven years of history. Like I said, in the end I never stood a chance. But I really thought I did. I imagined her meeting my family, us living together, the whole bit. I can't say that I have ever thought about this with anyone else, at least not in any practical way. Of course, it couldn't have worked out. She never did deal with things. She had to see what could happen if things changed between them. So she chose him over me. I took the news rather well. I don't normally have a problem showing exactly how I feel, but when it comes to stuff like this, they don't get the honour. She said that she still wanted me around, and asked if I could ever go back. My first instinct is to say that yes, I would, because I am usually interested in seeing my exes if we parted on good terms. We were friends, if nothing else. But I couldn't really answer the question if a way she wanted. All I could say was that I had some of her things, and she had my marble chess set, which I was too tired to carry home, so yes, I would come back. It was then that I started to turn dark and cold. Outside it's still muggy and hot. Walking home, I felt as though I could flash-freeze cars and stop people in their tracks with a blast of ice from one hand, and lay waste to city blocks from immolating them with the other. I am angry. I usually just sit back and enjoy the time I had with someone, but not now. I am angry. I feel as though in fooling herself, she fooled me. She wasted my time and left my heart crying. I really wanted something with her. It could have been amazing. But she couldn't abandon her past to save her future. Well, Christen, I guess I am experiencing first hand what you were experiencing. So now here I sit, angry, hurt and feeling very stupid. Right now I think I am sucking the light out of this room, I feel so dark. 2 scrawls at the end of this hallThe look: you can read, can't you? The feel: evil The taste: bitter ________________________ |
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